Why Do Many Young Couples indulge in Extramarital Affairs?
My experience and what others think about the matter
Sometime ago towards the end of the year 2020, I went to a friend’s wedding ceremony in a different church and had met this cute guy – the groom’s best man. Of course, seeing how young he looked, I didn’t hesitate to give him my contact when he requested it.
Having seen and been through all manner in the name of relationships, I would usually not assume anything at all, I’d love to just flow with someone until they’re able to say exactly what they want from you. But when relationships last for about 3-5 months, I’d usually ask ‘where we’re headed, ‘what do you want from me exactly’ amongst others, so we don’t waste each other’s time.
So, both of us continued talking, chatting as good friends. And one faithful day he invited me over for a lunch date, saying he had missed seeing me physically [he has a very demanding job that I’m aware of].
And as we sat down, placed our different orders… while waiting for them to serve us, he goes on to say, Viv, I like you a lot and have fallen in love with you. I want us to officially start dating, be there for one another…
And before he could finish saying those beautiful lines, he received a call that changed his facial expression, I asked him what happened, he says it’s a domestic issue.
Is there someone in your house at the moment, I thought you said you live alone? Anyway, I hope the fellow isn’t hurt? I added.
He then looked at me in amazement, saying it’s my wife that called, saying they had cut off the water cables that are being used to pump water into their apartment, and that it was jointly owned by him and another man…blablabla.
He continued, babe I thought I told you that I’m married with two kids [a boy and girl]?
I said to him, no, you never said anything of such.
So, I continued talking in awe of such a surprise… Wait a minute, you were just telling me how you wanted us to start dating and you are married! 😳
Please, what kind of dating were you referring to seeing I’m a single lady while you are legally married?!😳
Let me spare you the rest of the story, knowing you should have an idea how the conversation must have ended.
Do you know this guy is barely 4-5 years in marriage…and seeing how comfortable he was when proposing for me to be his next victim in entertaining extramarital affairs, only God knows how many of such relationships he keeps.
Am I painting a picture that suggests I’ve been a ‘Saint Vivian’ all my life? Absolutely no.
I’ve made many mistakes in life but had to make a U-turn at some point towards thriving to live right and be the best version of myself.
Introduction and Definition of Terms
The experience above is one out of many of such that are prevalent in our society.
Now, marriage is a union that’s considered sacred and holy in the eyes of God and men.
It’s something you don’t enter into anyhow, unprepared or not being matured enough to handle its many complications.
And to think of how society trivialises such issues is another aspect I’d rather not delve into in this piece.
#Marriage according to the Oxford dictionary is “the legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship [historically and in some jurisdictions specifically a union between a man and a woman].”
According to merriam-webster.com marriage is “an act of marrying or the rite by which the married status is effected”
“The state of being united as spouses in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law”
Now, I sincerely believe marriage is one of the good things that can happen to anyone and it’s indeed a blessing!
But going by one of the definitions from Merriam Webster, it’s possible that some couples go into marriage simply to change their ‘marital status and so are quite clueless to what such union entails.
There are no two ways about one asking in astonishment ‘why did you get married in the first instance’?
I mean to say, if you know you still want to play around; if you still want to hop in and out of relationships you keep sorely for sexual gratification, why did you get married biko [please]?
Where lies the sanctity of marriage, if you still have to mess around having entered into it?
What exactly are you looking for from an outsider that you cannot find in your partner? Where is it written or is it a law that men or women must cheat during and while in relationships?
The above are big questions you can’t help but ask seeing the way and manner some #men and #women go about engaging in certain illicit #relationships not minding they’re legally married.
Voice of the People
And as you and I know the writer’s opinion should never be considered as final, that’s why I love to bring you other people’s views regarding the subject matter.
Samuel says “people don’t marry those their heart pop after, who they’re eager to go and meet at home whenever they’re done from work, that’s why you see so many failed marriages, especially that of young couples.
As far as I am concerned, I look forward to marrying someone I love, who has both the physical and spiritual attributes I look out for. I won’t marry for marrying sake. I want to be able to rush home to go meet my wife, otherwise, we’ll have issues in our marriage”.
Merriam says “whatever that’s being manifested in anyone’s marriage today is what both couples are aware of right from the beginning of their relationship.
A man that will cheat must have exhibited such tendencies during their relationship/dating times but the woman would have waved it off thinking getting married will change such a guy. This is one of the biggest issues.
One should marry someone you are sure to cope with his or her excesses.
If a man shouts at you during your relationship he’ll likely slap you during the marriage. If a man slaps you during your relationship, he’ll most definitely beat you up during the marriage.
The major problem here is that we see lots of these ‘red flags’ but we choose to ignore them. Whatever my husband does now, I already saw 90/95 percent of such attitude during our relationship, and I knew I could tolerate them before getting married to him.
So, many young couples don’t know who they’re married to, they probably married for marrying sake, hence the broken marriages we see these days”.
Angela says “in considering entering into a commitment with someone, there are hard truths one should know before committing to him or her. First and foremost, ask yourself ‘am I good for him or her?’ and not ‘is she or he good for me?’
Because you ought to first know yourself. Are you good for another?
It is a little selfish to first consider what is good for you before the other. I think it’s not so ideal to ask what the other will bring to you or the benefits. For me, this is where the flaw begins. When you realise you are not ‘good for the other, you let go because you are doing the other an injustice if you start that commitment.”
According to her, in asking “if we are good for another, we question our values, our desires, our strengths and weaknesses and this helps us know if we can be the right man or woman for the other. So, in the times ahead if we decide to say ‘I DO’ we start the unending journey of looking out for what benefits the other and not ourselves. And if we say ‘I WON’T’/’I DON’T’ we make them better off without us, for everyone is ‘good’ to someone out there. Yet …I stand to be corrected”. #AngelaOmeiza
So in a nutshell, we should ask ourselves such questions like ‘the way I am now if someone walks into my life, will he or she get the best of me?’
I believe a lot in self-discovery and working towards being the best is one of the good things that can happen to anyone. Self-discovery over who we are, what works for us, what we can or cannot tolerate, our beliefs, likes, dislikes…that way you’d know whether or not you’re going to be a good compliment to someone else.
And, as an advocate of #selfless love – showing and giving true love to your partners, friends, etc with or without benefits, we should enter into relationships ready to do whatever it takes to make it work. We should at all times seek for what we can ‘give in’ and not ‘take out.
Let me leave you with what I coined as tips for healthy relationships/marriage:
⚡Marry your best friend, not someone you can only refer to as a husband. You both should first and foremost be ‘playmates’ before you can become soul mate and ‘bedmate’.
⚡Never assume you know someone; you’ll be shocked you truly don’t. No matter how many years you both have been together, have an open mind ready to receive whatever surprise that pops up along your journey as a couple.
⚡Be ready to admit whenever you’re wrong and apologise.
⚡Never put your trust/confidence in a mere mortal, but in God alone, He never fails. Seek for His help at all times.
⚡Never involve a 3rd party in your relationship or marriage. If you need to seek counsel, do so from professionals or from God.
⚡Communicate as frequently as possible. Do not bottle things up in your heart. And, you must know how to read in between the lines – to understudy the mood of your friend or spouse.
⚡Never take one another for granted, respect, cherish, love, and value each other…very important.
In conclusion, an Anonymous Preacher says “there is something worse than being single, it is marrying the wrong person.”
Never see marriage as what will make you complete or as what will change your life for the better, especially if you have a bad attitude. Keep learning, unlearn and relearn but by all means possible, be a better you. Thrive to identify and reform yourself before your partner finds you. Don’t wait for marriage to make you better.
The word single according to Christie Bature is referred to as a state of being whole, separate, and unique.
Live your life knowing you are whole [a complete package] whether or not you are married.
You should remain single than messing up the sacredness of marriage.
I urge you to guard the hallowed institution of marriage and #saynotoextramaritalaffairs
By Vivian Nze [Abuja]
+2348079466161 [WhatsApp ONLY]
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